


The Intern Survival Guide

by LightseekerGameWing



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Bloodstone Circle, Character Death, Interns & Internships, Life in Night Vale, Night Vale Community Radio, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Radio, Typical Night Vale Weirdness, we'll see some familiar faces here soon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-11 19:39:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15979076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightseekerGameWing/pseuds/LightseekerGameWing
Summary: There are two certainties as a Night Vale Community Radio intern. One is that you will die.The second is that you will read this book.[On hiatus until the end of the Mudstone Pit arc to minimize canon discrepancies]





	1. An Introduction (and Some History)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm no stranger to this whole fanfiction thing, but it's been a year since i wrote anything serious, 3 months since i've written anything at all, and this is the first time i've written night vale fanfiction, so i'm a little rusty.  
> constructive criticism is always appreciated! ok, i'll stop stalling, i'm done

Hello. Since I'm probably going to save your life a few times, I figure you should at least know some things about me.

I’m Sage, I’m 16, and I'm here to hopefully move on to work at the news station. If I survive. I probably won't.

I live in Whispering Orphans down on the east side of town with my mom, my dad, and my two sisters. Whoever adds on to this gets to write an intro too, I guess. I’m trying to keep this brief.

Yeah, um, I can’t really think of how to start, so I guess we can jump in with the history of the station?

It’s the oldest building in Night Vale. Not oldest-still-standing, the oldest. Nobody knows how the Native Americans got PVC piping, modern bricks, electric wires, shatter-proof pane glass, or recording and broadcasting equipment, but there are paintings of it on the cave walls. And it’s in all the pictures of Old-Town Night Vale from the early 1900s, sooooooo.

The first Voice to serve NVCR was Svetlana Tereschenko. We don’t know much about her, since some of the station records got damaged in the Earthquake Dust Fire. We do know that she was from Russia, and appeared in Night Vale sometime around 1200. The Huntokar, the tribe inhabiting Night Vale, were, understandably, very confused and kind of frightened. Even after Huntokar (goddess) explained that she wasn’t there to hurt them, the Huntokar (tribe) still panicked and killed her on account of her being an interloper. Her first and last broadcast was her screaming as she was being stabbed to death. I have not listened to it and I do not intend to.

The second Voice was named Dakota Peters, You Know, The Farmer, ancestor of John Peters, You Know, The Farmer. Ironically, they hated nature. They were infamous for their “helpful farming tips” that were actually instructions on how to kill plants. Unfortunately  the farmers of Night Vale took their advice to heart. This caused the Great Famine of 1845, which killed about a quarter of Night Vale. Station Management, unable to obtain their Parisian soil because everyone was too starving to leave town, called them in for a meeting. They were not heard from afterwards.

The third Voice of Night Vale was Emmett Meade. Rumor had it he was from Desert Bluffs, but this was blatantly untrue. His birth certificate is on file in the station, and lying is illegal. He had a long and successful career, but died fighting a street cleaner. A framed painting of him hangs in the station because of his sacrifice. Stop by and drop off a bloodstone or show him a cute dog video. He’ll appreciate it.

The Voice we have now is Leonard Burton. He's nice enough, I guess, but I don't see much of him. He's always in his booth. Always. It's kind of weird, actually. I don't think I've seen him outside of it once? Weird. He sees me writing, and he's waving through the window.

Well, that about does it in terms of history. That's all I know, anyways. There’s a lot more to this place; I just don't know it yet. Maybe you will? In any case, if I find anything else about the history, I’m going to add it to this. This is Sage, signing off.


	2. Station Management

Ah, Station Management. An essential, yet uniquely challenging aspect of working as an intern.

You can find them at the end of main hallway. You know how in romcoms, when the protagonist is sitting at his desk and you just see the dramatic smoke and a shadow behind the frosted glass of the door? That’s what the front of their office looks like. It’s all that you should want to see of Station Management. Ever.

Thankfully, earning their favor isn't too complex. They're pretty hot and cold, so I’d be wary, but as long as you remember to make blood sacrifices of small and cute animals every Monday, you'll live. If you really wanna make them happy, you can grovel and chant the sacred chants. 

Unfortunately, as easy as it is to get on their good side, it's a whole lot easier to get on their bad one. Here is a list of things that interns have done to cause Station Management to absorb them:

  * Groveled incorrectly
  * Didn't come in for two days because they had the flu
  * Messed up their Subway order
  * Came back four minutes late from lunch
  * Made a sarcastic remark about the station doors
  * Cried while in their presence
  * Didn't cry while in their presence
  * Sacrificed an animal that wasn’t cute enough
  * Got Lee Marvin’s 30th birthday wrong
  * Used “stale” bloodstones, whatever that means



They also get super crabby when you mess up their coffee. You can and will lose limbs. They like it black. Pitch black. Void black. If it reflects light, they will not drink it. They will drink your blood instead, which is a painful and somewhat time-consuming process. Be warned.

You might have noticed I said absorbed up there. Well, we don't actually know what happens when you go into Station Management’s office and don't return. They might eat you. They might send you into another dimension. They might, of course, absorb you into their form. Actually, when have I ever seen Station Management with my own two eyes? Sarah, the front desk lady, always takes in their coffee and paperwork. She says it's too dangerous for kids. Even though I've told her I'm not a kid, I'm 16, she still insists.

My running theory is that it's all the interns that have ever worked here at the station. I don't have much evidence to support that claim, but I swear last week I heard the voice of Intern George say “Sage, come here” from inside. I recognized his voice because we went to school together. I did what we’ve all been trained to do when we hear dead voices calling our names: Turn away and walk very, very quickly into the nearest bloodstone circle until we don't feel our hearts pounding.

To wrap up this section, I’ll provide some basic groveling techniques. These are useful at any place of employment, not just here. Thank me later.

  * Kneeling down, with your torso and arms elongated onto the floor
  * Chanting “Almighty, all powerful, all consuming”
  * Crying
  * Screaming
  * Bleeding just a little bit, but not enough to stain the carpet



This is Sage, signing off.


	3. The Archives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for this chapter for the "on-screen" implied death of characters.

This is someone a bit different. Sage called in with Throat Spiders for the rest of the week, and left this in the break room? Sooooo I guess I get to add on! I’m Ari, I live on the edge of town down by the car lot. My great aunt, Josie, lives over there by me. Just trying to come up with a name that y’all would recognize.

The Archives are an ever-shifting maze of recordings, paperwork, council-approved books, and almost anything else you can think of. I’ve heard the first broadcast from NVCR, maybe the first one in the history of radio. I’ve seen nightmarish beasts of every shape and size. And most horrifying of all, I’ve seen the archivists.

Okay, they’re actually not that bad. I'll talk about them later. First of all, I’ll go over what's in there.

No part of the Archives is static. I’d love to give y'all a map, but it moves. All the time. The entrance always stays the same, though. It's over behind the lobby. Ask the front desk lady, Sarah, for the key. Station Management doesn't want any visitors getting lost or worse in there and having their families sue us.

Before you even think about going in that room, you need to know about Archivists. They’re a lot like Librarians, but smaller and with a lot less venom. They’re more docile, too. But just because they’re calmer doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods- an Archivist bite is 8 times more deadly than a Librarian bite, and they guard every shelf with their lives. NVCR has 3 Archivists, all tagged by Intern Deangelo. Lucy is the one with the pink collar, Sidney has the green one, and Michael has the grey one. 

The biggest part of the Archives, no matter what mood it's in, is Recordings. It has the tapes from every single broadcast, including the first one. Like Sage said, it's just 3 minutes of a woman screaming for help in Russian. There's the one from when we all thought that we were getting nuked. That one’s really weird. There's a burst of static in the middle, and then Leonard’s back to talking like nothing happened. But those are ones you’ve probably heard before.

I grabbed a few random tapes this morning, I’ll toss in a few transcripts. I know it's real stupid to hang out in here, what with the archivists and all, but heyyyyyy. I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

First up, one marked “Dakota Peters, You Know, The Farmer” and the date March 2nd, 1822. Hm, it’s a little beat-up.

\---

Dakota: Hey, listeners. Welcome back to “Helpful Farming Tips”, the biweekly show where I teach you how to grow plants. Today’s tips are for invisible corn. 

First of all, water them with vinegar once a week. Do not water them any more than that. Since you’re using vinegar, you can call it vinegaring! Isn’t that fun, Night Vale? Vinegar your corn once a week.

Instead of planting your invisible corn in the winter and spring, as you’re accustomed to doing, plant it in the summertime. It will be very, very hot, but your yields will see the benefits. Vinegaring is best done in the middle of the day.

In other news, the famine in Night Vale continues to rage on. Several more citizens have been admitted to the hospital with signs of malnutrition. Keep praying in your bloodstone circles for luck. We will need it-

Oh. Station Management is calling me down… I’ll be back in a moment.

_ Shuffling. Tape cuts off. _

\---

Well then.

Next tape, let’s see… Emmett Meade, October 27th, 1872.

\---

Emmett: Good morning, Night Vale! How are you all today? That is a theoretical question. I cannot hear you.

In case you were wondering, I am doing well! My wife, Ceilia, is a little under the weather. I wanted to stay home to help her, but she wouldn’t let me. Shame. Hi, Ceilia! 

Okay, on to the Community Calendar. First things first, the grand opening of the public library! That’s this Monday at 8 am. There will be refreshments for anyone who attends, including the staff! How thoughtful.

Tuesday is Lee Marvin’s 30th birthday. He’s hosting a public party at Mission Grove Park. Bring something for a potluck and a bloodstone for the giant circle that will be activated at the end. It will make him immortal forever by draining our collective life forces and channeling them into his. Sounds fun! I know Ceilia and I will be there!

Wednesday has been cancelled due to a scheduling error.

Thursday is the Day of Huntokar. Get those deer skull masks, ceremonial knives, and candy buckets ready, kids!

Saturday is The Big Game. You know, The Big One. We’ve been waiting for it all year. I, personally, root for Our Team. And I can't stand The Other Team. We will crush the spines of the Other Team. They will bow before us, begging for nonexistent mercy. Their screams will echo through this valley, useless against our rage. Blood will spill til the arroyos are rushing, and that blood will not be ours. We will stand triumphant, screaming primitive screams and chanting to our smiling, smiling god.

I hope we win!

That was this week’s community calendar. Now that that’s over with, I’ll just show you folks tomorrow’s forecast.

\---

Here's the last one. It's marked “Cecil Palmer” and then 201something. Everything’s  _ super  _ faded, like someone left it outside for a few years. Even the plastic is lighter colored than the rest. And it’s hot to the touch? I’m kind of afraid of it burning through the paper, actually. I’ll put it in before it does any damage.

\---

Cecil: Listeners… I… 

_ Pause. _

Pamela Winchell tried to call an emergency press conference during the weather, but something happened. I do not know what, but she is gone now. The press corp is gone. The light outside only grows brighter. Stay inside. Close your blinds. Barricade your doors and hide in your basements. Do not let it reach you.

_ Shuffling in the background. _

Sarah, in the distance: There's not much in here to barricade with. Where’s Hannah?

Cecil: I don't know. ... I’m going to call Carlos again. I need to make sure he's safe.

Intern?: He didn't pick up at all during the weather, I don't think he will-

Cecil: He  _ always  _ answers.

_ Pause. Someone sighs. Phone ringing. How did we get a phone in the recording bo _

Carlos?: Ce-Cecil-!

Everyone: Carlos!

_ Loud thudding noises over phone. _

Carlos: Cecil, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, we don't have anything yet-

Cecil: Carlos! I care about you, not your research

_ Crash _

Carlos: Oh, the window-! Get in the- They're in, it’s iiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnn n n

CARLOS HIDE

_ Shuffling, gagging on phone _

Cecil I lo

_ beep. Long pause. _

Cecil: I love you too.

_ Long, long silence. Sudden, loud thudding from the studio doors. Cecil takes an audible breath.  _

Sarah: Hannah! Hannah, honey, is that you?

Intern: I think it- it's not. The barricade. Cecil, I'm sorry, your chair…

Cecil: Yes.

_ Shuffling. The thudding gets louder and louder. The barricade is breaking? _

Sarah: Okay, to the corner.

Intern: It’s breaking.

Cecil: Intern Hannah is outside the door. She is not Intern Hannah.

Sarah: Oh, Gods above…

_ Scraping _ .

Cecil: Listeners. I believe our time together has come to an end. I do not know who is out there, I do not know what is there, but it is bright and bright and bright and bright. I do not know who is still listening. I do not know how much time is left.

Sarah: HANNAH!

Cecil: I do not know who is still alive.

_ Pause, crash. _

Cecil: There is light. I cannot- I cannot see anything else but this light. It is all that has ever been, all that ever will be. There is nothing but light, and light, and light, and light into infinity. It comes through my skin, my eyes, my bones, my blood. I see all and nothing. It is terrible and wonderful and it must stop and I cannot let it end. I am falling into the light. I am powerless. I want to say… more… can’t... Goodnight… Night Vale… Goodni… i… gh...

_ Tape cuts. _

\---

Okay, hi, Ari after 10 minutes of staring at the wall and rocking back and forth here. I understand NO MORE of what just happened than y'all do. I mean, it sounds like Carlos carries around a phone? So it must be from the future? And Cecil Palmer. That's familiar. The name. I think I go to school with him? Abby Palmer is on the basketball team. But who’s Carlos? What happened to Hannah? What is the light???

You know what. I’m going home early. This is all giving me a headache and my little sister’s sick anyways. I’ll think of a snappy signoff next entry. Peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand this concludes the bulk update! i hope you all enjoyed this! these are actually quite fun and quick to write, so this will definitely be updated on a somewhat consistent basis.


	4. The Break Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter! i hope a double update makes up for it

Sage here. Again. I should not have to clarify that it's me, but here we are.

I guess I could let other people add to this. I guess. I'm not overjoyed, but I don't know everything about this place. Neither does Ari, neither does Caesar, neither does Kaitlin. We’re all here to bounce knowledge off of each other.

Let's move on to the break room instead of my emotional issues, shall we?

The break room is right behind records and across from the bathrooms. It has a giant swirling pit in the center that occasionally changes colors. That's how you’ll know you're in the right dimension.

Yeah, you heard me. Sometimes, the old oak door that leads to the room takes you to another dimension entirely. If you ever open it and you just see empty desert wasteland? Close it, touch the nearest bloodstone, and come back. It should go back to normal.

Don't go in there, EVER. That's how we lost Kali. Once you go in there, you can't come out. So don't.

The break room minifridge will seem like a tempting place to store your lunch and snacks. I do not recommend this. Emmett and Dakota will get jealous, for one, and also anything you put in there will come out different. I took a baloney sandwich my first day, and when I went to take it out, it was a small plate of cocktail shrimp. One thing I have noticed, though; The better you treat the station, the better food you’ll get back. George used to sweep the floors and clean the front window and men’s bathroom every night. When he’d put in his PB&J, he’d take out a plate of sugar cookies and a slice of hot pizza. He always gave us the extra cookies. I miss him.

Now… the void. Most days, it's indigo, but it's also been terracotta, gold, lime, carmine, and taupe. At my time in NVCR, nobody has gone through it, so we don't know what's on the other side. I think it links up to other versions of the station, but I’m not sure. I don’t even have any evidence to support that.

Sometimes, the news will escape from the newsroom. It likes to hide out in here a lot. If you see it, don’t panic. Grab the acid-proof mitts (the green ones) from the wall and pick it up very carefully by the jaws. It will squirm a lot, but as long as you keep your hands on its mouth, you should be fine. Carry it carefully back into the newsroom and set it back in its cage gently. Feed it something, too. It usually only gets out if it’s hungry.

Back to the breakroom. The ping pong table that floats above the void should NOT be played on. I know it looks like it’ll be fun, but you cannot stop playing until you drop dead. It happened to Silvia and Natalie. They were there for 4 days until they collapsed. We tried to give them food and water, but they were so into the game that it was like they couldn't even hear us.

On occasion, the people or animals on the posters on the wall will start to move. They will follow you. Ignore them and they’ll eventually leave you alone.

That's all for this chapter. The break room is small but mysterious, and as long as you use common sense, you’ll be fine.

Probably.

This is Sage, signing off.


	5. Bloodstone Circles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is at least halfway done, so it'll be done soon! i apologize for the lack of a schedule, but i rapidly alternate between having a billion ideas a minute and wanting to lie down and die so.

Hi!!! Sage let me write in this and I am very excited!!! My name is Cecil Palmer, I’m 15, and I started working here three days ago!!! Well, actually, I’m supposed to only write in here if I survive for a week? But Mom says that my name was written on the list of Voices of Night Vale so I think I’m going to make it!! And the tape Ari listened to mentioned me as a host. So I definitely will!! Even if I maybe sort of die at the end??

Also I’m only supposed to add to this if I have something that's important. And I don’t have anything important right now. Not, like super important?? I can talk about using a bloodstone circle, even though everyone knows how to do it. That’s really important, I guess. Maybe people in the future will forget or something. 

You need 13 bloodstones about the size of your fist, a patch of sand under direct moonlight, a silver ceremonial knife, and something that holds sentimental value. For that last one, I use a pair of earrings my mom got me before she disappeared, but you can use anything. It doesn't have to be jewelry or something expensive!! You're gonna get stuff on it, though, so you might not wanna use clothes.

First, get the bloodstones. Line them up about an inch apart from each other in a circle around your feet. You should have a deer skull or antlers around. If you do, put them just outside the circle, but it's not super essential. Take the important thing and place it in the center.

Now comes the kinda weird but still really cool part!! Kneel down in the circle, under direct moonlight, and use your ceremonial silver knife to make a tiny cut on your palm. If you do it right, it won't hurt at all. Hold out your hand over whatever you put in the center, and let one drop of blood fall onto it. Then pull your hand back, wipe it on your shirt, and there won't be a scar or anything.

Now the red parts of the bloodstones will start glowing!!! Close your eyes and pray. Don't worry about Vague Yet Menacing government agents or hooded figures. You can't get hurt while you're in a bloodstone circle, even if you're not using it.

When you're done, pick up your object and stand up. The bloodstones will stop glowing. Rinse off your ceremonial knife and whatever else needs cleaning and you're done!! I don't know why we pray in bloodstone circles or to who. It's just one of those traditions, I guess, like saying the Pledge of Allegiance or birthday parties or sleeping.

Okay, Sage is walking towards me and she looks kinda mad so i think i’m just going to stop writing bye


	6. The Mysterious Light

It's me, Ari! Y’all missed me, didn't you? Or you missed the answers I now have.

Alright, so you know the whole thing with Cecil, right? You met him last entry, but I mean when I was writing. When he died. It has something to do with the light.

I've been looking around- asking people in town, going through the archives again, and I even went to the library! Yeah, that's right, I went to the library and I survived.

It's kind of a long story, though. And I'm not good at stories. But I am good at facts. So I’ll give you facts.

Talking to people in town was extremely unhelpful. Actually, it was anti-helpful. Not only did nobody know anything, at the mention of a “deadly light” this one guy full out attacked me! What the hell! He said that he had a sign on his door that said religious converters were not welcome and especially not “my kind”. Before I could explain that I was just looking for answers, and also that we were in downtown Night Vale and I could not see his door, he shoved me over and ran off. Come on! I’m, like, 15! That dude was 60, minimum. At least I know his name. I asked for it before I started talking about the light. He's Hal Good.

The Archives didn't yield any results, either. I brought Lucy some iced tea and roadkill to see what I could get out of her, but she didn't know. We tried to find the tape, but we couldn't find it or anything else from the future. Anything relevant, anyways. 

I didn't find much in the library. It didn't seem like it was worth it, but then I found this giant book in the reference section. Like, huge. 600 pages, at least. It took me a second to figure out how to pick it up. The cover was green and red, and had a miniature bloodstone circle embedded in it. With real stones! I mean, it seems pretty rude to bleed on a library book, and I didn't even have a silver knife. So I didn't. Also there were librarians that were 7 feet away and they were chasing me.

I ran as fast as I could out the door but I forgot to check it out because I was afraid for my life. Which, I mean, I couldn't have anyways, since it was from the reference section. Okay, back on track. Contents of very large book.

It talked about every single god and goddess that we know of. The Faceless Old Woman, the Distant Prince, the So there was a lot of irrelevant information. But there were two parts that were pretty interesting.

First was on someone named Huntokar. She was at the very beginning of the book and the town. We don't know much about her, or at the book didn't. But she was the entire reason people were able to settle in Night Vale. She kept them safe from the other gods, and all she asked in return was love. We gave it to her in the form of elaborate rituals and meat crowns and not shooting her second favorites, the deer. To stay safe, we simply needed to carry a bloodstone and pray in circles of them. I know talking about this now seems irrelevant, but I’ll explain it in a minute.

One of the last pages in the book (I was scanning for the word “light”) was on the Smiling God. It didn't even have a real name, that's how little the author knew about it. It had a physical manifestation, but it wasn’t described. Only that there were lots and lots and lots of teeth. Dangerous teeth. It's  were teeth. Lots of teeth. Far too many teeth for anything to have. It liked meadows and mountains. Sunstones were its equivalent to Huntokar’s bloodstones. And then what I was looking for- the light.

The Smiling God could bend a certain light. It could blind someone, drive them insane, and let it control ones who witnessed it. Light is its main way of influencing this world. But the worst part is, you don’t know until it’s there until it’s too late.

The rest of the page looked like someone had painted over it, then tried to burn it but realized it was a bad idea and stopped. If I held the page to the light, I could just make out the words  _ call _ ,  _ Huntokar _ , and  _ indigo _ . 

And that was it. That was all the information the book had. Going back to do anything beyond return it would be suicide, and I’m out of every other option. It’ll take me a bit and a half to figure this out.

But I’m gonna keep looking. I have to find out more about this thing, and I won’t stop if it kills me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> held off on posting this one because i wasn't super happy with it :/ i tried to fix it but it didn't really work? i eat constructive criticism for breakfast lunch and dinner give it to me


End file.
